How can i move on...

Break Even...

For you...

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryin' make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no, it don't break even, no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah

I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no

a good sleep

Have not slept so well over the past month, 12 hours of sleep... I did wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about him, but hey! no matter what i do or think, it no longer matters as we will never be together. why not just chill and sleep, and have fun!

On the positive note, I finally received a letter of reference from my professor!

Just a short quote from the letter "What comes across in Boon Sun’s writing is typical of the man as I know him to be; a sincere humanist, determined and courageous"

plus, i have received the cosmetics! time to send the stuff out and move on!

Angry, disappointed but not sad

Well reflecting through my thoughts just now at my aunt place, I realised that i am not sad, or rather, i am angry and disappointed. Angry and disappointed at how he claimed to have someone as a PARTNER within 2 weeks. I think we are really different as how we see a relationship. A partner to me, is lifelong, and certainly, no one will ever be my partner when i know him less than 2 weeks. Like he said, it was a good start, so hopefully, things would last. As long as he is happy.

I think i am better than what he think of me, and i will never let him get me down. Perhaps i should adopt sir alex ferguson attitude, no one is bigger than me, and it is no use to keep anyone around you, if their heart is no longer with you.

To me, he is just a guy who is desperate for company, just like in Singapore, in oslo, and now, back in Frankfurt. All the best.

I was right

Last week, i told bobo that he has found a new guy. In the end, I was right. He has found someone, and now, they are together in a relationship.

I can only wish him all the best, and wonder what to do with the present which i have bought for him.

Having a relationship with someone whom you know for less than 2 weeks, just shows how different we are.

he is fine

he told me he is fine, after several SMSes and miss calls, with one voicemail. Do not wish to grumble anymore, as long as he is fine.

Still cant get over what happened in oslo, oh well, maybe it takes time. but not sure if i can ever get over it. those empty promises and excuses...

Did a video for his birthday, first time making a video, and i think it is pretty good. took me 3 hours to do it! hopefully, he will like it.

Life is like a piece of white paper, any mistakes will leave a permanent mark on it, and one could never erase it...

another day

I did not sleep well last night, was worried sick about him, and yet he did not bother to reply sms or pick up my calls.

Sometime i do not understand why is it so hard to just pick up the call, and said, i am fine. I know that we are on a bad terms, but still, 6 months of feelings just do not go away in a moment of time. I did say harsh words to you over email, and acted like a drama queen, but that is just me. It was to make you angry, and hate me. Maybe i have succeeded. I just sent an email to the police department, and can only hope that his name is not on the injured list.

Went shopping for his birthday gift today even though it is still 3 months away. I hope you will be happy receiving the presents.

Sometime, i was thinking, what if something really did happen to him in frankfurt? Is there anything that i could do? Nothing. So many obstacles in a long distance relationship, and too demanding for someone who is paranoid about things.

Anyway, another day will be gone, and i just have to accept that he will not reply my smses, and i have to assume that he is doing well.

reason why i do not want a long distance relationship

This morning, i read news about a bus crashes into a busstop in frankfurt airport, and a bus stop usually used by the employees of the airport and lufthansa. One lady was killed and another 5 injured, 2 in serious conditions.

I was worried about him, and just sent an sms to him. This is one of the reason why i do not want a long distance relationship. Not being there and not knowing what happened. Same things happened when he was stuck somewhere in europe, and arrived back home without informing me. I think the problem is me, i worries over small matter, never suitable for a long distance relationship.

now, i could just pray that he would reply my sms, that he is alright.

my prayers are being heard

Last week, i had a strange dream, that i went to visit this lady whom i know, and always respected, and cried for help. This lady, whom i addressed as ah ma, has a small "temple" at her place, and my mum always brought me over since young. In the dream, she comforted me and that things will be alright.

Yesterday, i visited the place with my mum, and i only told her that, i had a dream that i visited here for help. She prayed at the guan yin ma, and suddenly told my mum, poor boy, he kept on trying and trying, but there was no path for him to walk. He was so troubled that he could not sleep at night, but nobody knows, even his dad who sleeps next to him.

At this instance, i cried. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Past weeks, and months, i have been to Si Ma Lu, almost every week, and pray at home everyday. Hoping that Guan Yin Ma will help me to overcome these obstacles, the german, the studies, the internship, my health. I tried my best with the german, the studies and internship, but everything just failed. I have trouble sleeping for the past months, and even eating, but my parents did not noticed. I can only ask for help from Guan Yin Ma. Silly it may sound, but it seems like Guan Yin Ma has heard my prayers. I think it is very very amazing. I have never dream of the ah ma, and in the dream, i was there seeking help. When i was there, i only told her that i had a dream that i visited here, and after praying to the guan yin ma, she know what i am going through.

Now, i could only hope that Guan Yin Ma will help me and overcome these obstacles, and have the faith that she will never abandon me =D

One day, i will be with the german, and this year, i will find an internship, succeed in studies and finding my thesis supervisor!

an amazing experience.

It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings

A friend of mine just shared this proverb with me.

From Wiki, It means that one should not assume the outcome of some activity (e.g.: a sports game) until it has actually finished.

I do not know if hope is a good or bad thing, but i still stand by my decision to be a jerk to stop meeting him.

PS: a guy whom i like smsed me this morning, asked me if i would like to meet up with his ex, as his ex is flying to Singapore...

F*CK!

i hate my life

suddenly cant help but think of him, and the incident in december. Sometime, when i walked home from the train station, i wished that he could be just beside me.

Life has been really crappy in recent days. Internship screwed, studies screwed. I probably made the wrong choice to delay my studies for writing a senior thesis when it involves so much work!

Basically, i feel like i am not making much progress in my life over the past 13 months and that feeling is really terrible.

I do miss him a lot.

Week 3 approaching

Did not feel well over the weekend, with the interrupted sleep, and angry emails exchanged with him. Thinking back, i was not agitated nor angry when i emailed him. Probably, the only motive of those emails were to make him angry, upset, and forget about me.

I spent most of the past 48 hours sleeping, recovering from flu and bad giddyness spell. A friend of mine asked me out at 11pm for a chat, and *ring ring*, something must been wrong. We had a chat under my void deck, and brought her choc and gummies =) She was there for me, when i was feeling like crap in december. I am glad that i am able to be with her, when she was feeling down last night.

This was when i realised, i still do not have any negative feelings about him. Deep down, i only have good words for him, just like how i spent 10 minutes telling my friend, how smart he is, to use the real egg cover to store the kinder surprise egg. It took me 4 months to realise that! I do miss him.

Well, tomorrow is the start of week 3, and works are piling up. I hope to come out with my thesis topic after CNY, and now, must start to revise my previous subjects, as i am already falling behind... Very fast!

love you.

Somewhere over the rainbow

I just completed Glee Season 1. It has been some time since i can cry and laugh in the same episode.

A lot of shows have mentioned, it is the process that counts, not the end result. The process of me loving you was great. Truly one of the most marvelous moment in my life. Time just flies in the 6 months with you, every month comes so quickly and i was able to see you again. The past 7 weeks has been a drag, too slow. Every morning, the time goes too slow, and every night, time just flies past.

Thank you for everything you have given me. I really have a good time with you. I am sorry to be mean to you over the past few days. I do not want you to be upset, and neither do i want myself to be paranoid about things. It is better to make you believe that i do not have any more feelings for you, and that you will forget me and find your happiness without me in the shadow.

I still pray everyday, hoping that one day, fate will bring us together once more in the same city.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Love you.

Rebound guy

He always told me to find someone to get over him. The problem is, how can one enjoy the company of a stranger when he/she is thinking of that person?

I will not deny that i still very much like and miss him even after what i wrote. Using economic terms, when it is a one-off playoff, there is no incentive to stick to the game or rule. No reason to work out the issues because whatever we do, the end result is still zero.

I always believe in the process of doing things, and not the end result. However, not everyone thinks that way, and i have to respect his decision.

On a footnote, i had a coffee with a guy this evening, and dont think that it will have any more development. After sharing my travel stories, i do feel very blessed with the countries and experience i had. Now, i can only hope that i could go to shanghai for my internship.

Tomorrow is another brand new day!

First Post

He is coming back in a few hours time. Nervous, and cold sweats. Not sure if i am looking forward to his replies to my numerous long emails.

The detachment from him is tough. There were days which i felt better, but even in those days, i still think about him. However, i have to move on. On the positive side, my appetite is getting back. Hopefully, i will gain a kilo or two over the festive period, with FOOD FOOD FOOD and SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP!

During my sleep, i still dream about him, flying over to frankfurt to visit him, even though in reality, that possibility is as good as dead.

Internship, Work, Studies, these should keep me busy for the next few months.